Why Self-Awareness is the Most Underrated Superpower
Ever wonder why some people seem to 'get' themselves while others don't?
The disparity between people who get themselves versus those who don't is wide. Hence, I often say that people can only meet you as far as they have met themselves. A big indicator of success is how well you know yourself. This also determines how well someone can navigate the world.
Are they constantly blaming their misfortune on others, or do they take responsibility for their actions and inactions?
Self-awareness is understanding your thoughts, feelings, and how others see you.
It plays a major role in personal growth, relationships, and leadership. Only 10-15% of leaders are highly self-aware. This means that being highly self-aware can be the difference between mediocrity and exceptionalism.
In today's newsletter, we're going to explore self-awareness, how it unfolds in kids, and deepens in adults, and what you can do to be more self-aware.
The Early Mirror: Self-Awareness in Childhood
From confusion to identity, the journey to self-awareness for children is beautiful when we consider that we all have embarked on this journey.
Self-awareness in children has been heavily studied. Most notably by the well-known developmental psychologist Phillip Rochat. He proposed that self-awareness unfolds in five distinct levels during early childhood.
The five levels are:
Confusion: An absence of distinction between self and environment; the individual does not recognize the mirror reflection as representing themselves.
Differentiation: Recognition emerges that the mirror image is distinct from the surrounding environments, indicating an initial self-other distinction.
Situation: Understanding develops that the mirror reflection corresponds to one's own body, acknowledging the spatial relationship between self and reflection.
Identification: The individual identifies the mirror image as themselves, leading to self-directed behaviors such as touching one's own face while looking in the mirror.
Permanence: Awareness that the self exists continuously over time, recognizing oneself in images or videos from the past.
Rochat's proposal stems from the Mirror Test, where children as young as 2 years old can spot a red dot on their nose. By 4-5, most children grasp a "permanent self."
The Adult Lens: Types and Levels of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness as adults is seeing oneself inside and out.
Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, executive coach, and author, is renowned for her expertise in leadership and self-awareness.
In her research she identifies two distinct types of self-awareness: internal and external.
While internal self-awareness involves a clear understanding of one's values, passions, aspirations, fit with the environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others. External self-awareness is focused on recognizing how others perceive us concerning the same factors as internal self-awareness.
Individuals with high internal self-awareness tend to experience greater job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and overall happiness.
Those who possess high levels of external self-awareness are more adept at showing empathy and understanding others' perspectives. This tends to enhance their effectiveness in interpersonal relationships.
Dr. Eurich also suggests that internal and external self-awareness are independent skills. Just because you're good at one, doesn't translate to being good at the other.
Mark Manson, the author of the popular book The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, breaks self-awareness for adults into three levels.
The three levels are:
Awareness of Distractions (Surface-level Awareness): This is noticing what you're focusing on--or avoiding. Realizing when you're using something (like social media, TV, food) to distract yourself from discomfort or responsibilities. An example of this: you're scrolling TikTok for an hour instead of starting a project. If you're self-aware, you'll catch yourself and realize you're avoiding the stress of getting started.
Awareness of Emotions (Mid-Level Awareness): This involves recognizing your emotional reactions and understanding where they come from. Being able to say, "I feel angry/sad/anxious--and here's why." For example, you snap at your friend during a conversation. Later, you realize you were frustrated about work and took it out on them.
Awareness of Blind Spots (Deep-Level Awareness): This is uncovering the hidden beliefs or assumptions driving your actions. Understanding the deeper unconscious narratives that shape your identity, behaviors, and repeated patterns. For example, you constantly seek validation from others. One day, you realize it's rooted in a childhood belief that you're only lovable if you achieve things.
The key insights here are that knowing when you're distracting yourself is the first step, realizing feelings aren't random--they come from somewhere deeper is the next, and finally, breaking down the hidden rules you've been living by your whole life is the pinnacle of self-awareness.
The Catch: Why It’s Hard to Level Up
More power and more experience don't necessarily lead to higher levels of self-awareness.
Experience and power in leaders can reduce external self-awareness. This is because you get comfortable with what worked in the past. The more experience someone gains, the more they may trust their own judgment--sometimes too much. These types of leaders become less open to feedback because they've been "right" so often before.
Leaders of this type also stop asking for input. They think that they already know how they come across, but perception can shift depending on context, team, or communication style.
But it's not all their fault.
The more power you have, the harder it becomes to get honest feedback. Ironically, as leaders move up, their decisions affect more people--but they often get less direct insight into how those decisions are received.
Lastly, power can create an echo chamber. Leaders might surround themselves with yes-people or interpret silence as agreement.
The best way to overcome all of this is by actively seeking out dissent, using anonymous feedback tools, and building a culture of psychological safety.
Growth requires effort--self-awareness isn't automatic.
Putting It to Work: Building Your Self-Awareness
Where self-awareness is concerned, small steps equal big insights.
If you've been reading The Potential Paradox for any amount of time, you'll know that I am a big proponent of journaling. In this case, journaling will help build your internal self-awareness.
Asking for feedback, on the other hand, will enhance your external self-awareness. Be sure to get such feedback from people you can trust.
Finally, noticing patterns (Manson's Level 3) will ensure you stay ahead of your blind spots and your trauma. Ask yourself regularly, "What's a blind spot I could explore today?"
Quick Recap: Your Mirror Awaits
Self-awareness starts young but evolves lifelong.
Knowing where you came from when you were confused about your existence to being aware of your identity is something we can all relate to--we've all been there.
Being aware of the three levels of self-awareness in adults will ensure you are on top of things since the journey is lifelong.
Don't fall into the trap that a majority of leaders fall into. Always seek feedback, use anonymous feedback tools, and build a culture of psychological safety.
Reply in the comments with a level you relate to, and where you want to see yourself tomorrow.
I continue to see how journaling (which I started after reading The Potential Paradox) has so many benefits! Building emotional intelligence, gratitude and the superpower called self-awareness! Journaling does help me recognize my emotions and why I’m having them during each day. Now I would like to use journaling (and feedback too) to have a better understanding of the roots of the beliefs that are causing these emotions. I want to have the deep-level awareness you talk about here. Thank you Idris Elijah and I look forward to taking this deeper self-awareness journey!
Hi Idris Elijah! When I was little I used to love writing in my diary. I remember I would write about everything I was feeling and looked forward to getting what was inside my head onto my notebook. I now see this was the start of self-awareness. I stopped writing in a diary a long time ago but am open to journaling now. I’d like to explore more why I get sad or angry or even excited to learn more about myself. I think it will help a lot in my relationships with others too. Thanks for sharing these ideas for us to keep growing!