You’re Not Lost—You’re Inherited: How to Break Free and Rewrite Who You Are

May 13, 2025

Identity isn't a sentence, it's a story. And you're the author.

For years, I thought I had to find myself. As if I were lost. But the truth is, I had to build myself brick by brick.

I had to learn the hard way that my identity was inherited. The negative self-talk that kept me scared and afraid to step outside of the lines was inherited. My perception of the world and my beliefs were all inherited.

Breaking away from this programming took me years.

I had to learn that identity isn't fixed--it's fluid and chosen.

When we become adults, it's our responsibility to undo this programming if we're aware of it. To break away from the expectations of others and to live in our truth.

Few embark on the journey to become the person they've always imagined.

Whether that's becoming a healthy person, a writer, a singer, a confident leader, or all of the above.

That's because it's not an easy journey, but it is worthwhile.

If you're tired of being held back by old habits, labels, or limiting beliefs, this guide is your first step toward becoming the person you've always imagined.

A guide I wish I had years ago.

Step One: Start with a Vision of Who You Want to Be

Ask yourself, "What do I believe about myself that no longer serves me?"

Think habits, beliefs, environment, relationships, and language. All the things that make up the current version of you. For example, the things that you find yourself doing regularly (habits). The things you believe to be true, such as your faith, the way of the world, and others (beliefs). The places you frequent, such as other people's homes, establishments, your neighborhood, town, and city (environment). The friends you keep, your acquaintances, and generally the people in your life (relationships). Finally, the language you use regularly, whether pointed at others, and most importantly, yourself.

When we were kids, the way our parents spoke to us formed our inner voices. The things we say about ourselves that may not be true as we get older.

You want to audit who you are today and begin to form an image of who you want to be outside of your inherited traits. You want to separate the things that no longer serve you from the things that bring you life and joy, despite the expectations of others.

This transformation you want to go through has nothing to do with them.

This is your life. So, how do you want to live it?

What is the vision you have for your life? Write it down. Play with it. The possibilities are endless.

For years, I wasn't clear to my core about my vision.

When I was young, I first wanted to be a singer (or more accurately, a pop star), then I wanted to be a writer like J. K. Rowling, later on, I wanted to be an engineer, and by the time I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an entrepreneur like Steve Jobs.

That's a lot of dreams, right?

My lesson was that I'm not meant to focus on and be known for one thing the rest of my life. I have many interests and desires. After reading "How to Be Everything" by Emilie Wapnick, I learned that I could do everything I wanted. I could build up my life.

It wasn't until recently that I realized I am a polymath. What is a polymath? A person of wide-ranging knowledge or learning. Examples include Oprah Winfrey, Donald Glover (aka Childish Gambino), Pharrell Williams, Idris Elba, and Elon Musk.

So, if you feel yourself torn between this and that, you're not alone. And you can do it all, but you must be thoughtful about your execution. Who are you?

Not who are you when you're with your friends. Or family. Colleagues from work.

What stories have you told about that person?

What is true, and totally outside reality. Now, who do you want to become?

Once you are clear, and I mean to your core, of this vision, you can move on to step two.

And take your time, and really feel what no longer serves you. Build up a rich image of your future self. Tell a different, improved version of your story.

Step Two: Stack Identity-Based Habits

Once you are clear of the vision of who you want to be, the next step is to start implementing identity-based habits and stacking them.

Take me, for example.

A year ago, I committed to one thing. Writing more.

First, I started with short-form posts on X (Twitter). Meanwhile, I was also reading more. Learning as much as I could about things I could try in my writing, or entrepreneurship endeavors.

Second, I put myself into a lifelong learner mindset (among others), seeking to solve my own problems. By solving my own problems, I can specialize my learning for each problem while cross-pollinating solutions.

I didn't write every day, but I did write regularly enough to post on X (Twitter) 30 days in a row. Even after the initial 30 days, I continued to post three times a day on X (Twitter) for 90 days and beyond.

I even took a course that taught me everything I needed to do to succeed at X (Twitter).

Then I pivoted. I started focusing more on my newsletter and figuring out how I was going to tackle notes on the platform. The rest is a story for another day. The first thing I did was switch from one post a week to two.

I did the work of solving my own problem. I wasn't writing more, and I wanted to write more. That singular goal drove everything I did. Allowed me to learn broadly while still being focused on my pursuit of my vision of who I want to be. Doing the things that version of me would do.

The idea of step two is to figure out what the things the future version of yourself would do, and do those things regularly. Forming new habits that align with the vision of who you want to be.

Stacking identity-based habits as you go, which are habits that conform to a specific identity and not necessarily an outcome.

You have to ask, "What are things my future self would do? How can I solve more of my problems to get there?"

I gave you one example. Imagine stacking that with more of the same.

For you to become the person you always imagined you'd become.

Step Three: Reframe Your Self-Talk

Start paying attention to the things you tell yourself.

Replace "I'm bad at this" with "I'm becoming someone who's learning this."

Negative self-talk speaks to your subconscious, which speaks to the universe and manifests the things you think to be true. So, if you shift your negative self-talk while your actions are aligned with your vision, this is the bare minimum you should aim for in the pursuit of the vision of who you want to be.

It will take you far.

With step two, you took care of the actions you take, and with this step, you'll begin the inner work that is absolutely necessary to heal and permit yourself to do what you have to do.

The things we say out loud are powerful, but the things we say in our heads are even more potent in getting what we want out of life.

A lot of our self-talk is inherited. It will take time to work out which parts are you and which parts you got from your parents, or generally speaking, the people in your life, and the environments you frequented.

My journey started the moment I graduated from high school. The thing I wanted most at the time was to work for Apple Retail. I wanted to be a Genius, which is the highest level technician in an Apple Store that isn't a part of leadership.

Long story short, I got the job four years later.

I applied for the entry-level position every 45 days for 4 years. I interviewed over 15 times between 2011 and 2014. My whole identity was a man who knew Apple, Inc. backwards and forwards. It's history, management, culture, products, and mission. Much more than your average consumer.

Meanwhile, I was working and moving from job to job, gaining skills and perspective on the industry and my role in it.

I got certified in Customer Service. I got my Insurance License. I worked another dream job. I worked at Best Buy to get some electronics retail experience. Making me the perfect candidate along the way.

In March 2014, I got the call from an Apple manager. She faked me out at first, but ultimately revealed that I got the job. I was over the moon for quite a while, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I told myself I would work in Apple Retail, I learned everything I could about my potential employer and its products. I then molded myself into the perfect candidate over four years through my actions and self-talk.

There was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't work in Apple Retail. While my friends and colleagues told me it was a waste of time.

I proved them wrong.

Overall, you want to use language that supports growth and flexibility, and make sure to stack those identity-based habits.

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Step Four: Redesign Your Environment

Make cues for your new identity obvious and accessible.

For example, if you want to be a reader, leave books around the house. Or if you want to eat less junk food, buy less of it in the first place.

You don't have to go at it cold turkey either. Start small and gradually build up your environment to where it matches the vision of who you want to be.

Everything in life relies on an equilibrium. Not too much of either extreme. That goes for the food you eat to the content you consume.

Redesigning your environment also includes removing the things and people that no longer serve you and replacing them with the things and people that will.

I started redesigning my environment after I left Apple in 2017.

I first deleted all of my social media and cut off everyone I knew (about 1,100 people) besides immediate family, my best friend at the time, and his family.

I then started to buy books and read more. Handwrite journal entries and explore songwriting, music production, working on the novel I started writing when I was 10 years old, keeping up with tech news, business, Apple, and trying to figure out how I could start a business of my own. Gradually making new friends and reconnecting with real ones. All over seven years.

Recently, I've reached peak performance in achieving my one-year, five-year, and 10-year strategy to get to the vision of who I want to be. Which now feels like a moving goalpost.

Take your time on this step. Don't feel you have to reform all at once. Thinking more long-term will benefit you here, because life isn't a race. It's a marthon to the same damn destination as everyone else. The life you live is completely yours.

Step Five: Let Go of Old Labels

Avoid clinging to old stories about yourself ("I've never been a morning person").

Identities are malleable. Change begins when you stop defending the old you.

You are the author of your story. You get to decide what is true and what is a pure fallacy.

Tell yourself a different story. Such as "I am a morning person" or "I love eating healthy food."

All of the steps thus far build on themselves to this moment.

Once you know what no longer serves you, you can begin to form that vision of who you want to be, which leads to the habits you need to adopt, which leads to your self-talk, your environment, and the stories you used to tell about yourself.

For the longest time, I was only known as the Apple Guy. Of course, that bothered me. It was a problem I had to solve.

So, I quit working at Apple in pursuit of something better. Something that I crafted with my hands for myself. I tried almost everything under the sun while accumulating a vast store of knowledge and skill.

To get me to this chapter of my life, where I think my younger self would be proud. I'm a singer-songwriter/Producer, Author, Software Engineer, and budding entrepreneur. I might not be well known, but I get to do what I also dreamed my future self would do.

Right now in life, I'm focused on my writing, but in another year or two, I'll likely switch it up and start writing and producing music again.

In the process, I let go of so many old labels.

I was no longer a people pleaser, solely a dreamer, incapable, broken, and lost.

I proved to myself, little by little over seven years, that I could and would do great things. The things that the vision of who I want to be would do.

I already had a vision, I just didn't know it. I constantly stacked identity-based habits without knowing it. I stopped talking down to myself, and saying things like "my music is shit" or "no ones going to read the things I write." I removed the things and people that no longer served me, and replaced them with things and people that do. I stopped telling myself the same sad story that, in the years since graduating from high school, had gotten me nowhere.

You just have to be brave enough to step outside of your comfort zone and make changes that will better your life. Especially, the things you say about yourself, and allow others to say about you.

Step Six: Track the Evidence

Keep a journal or log of actions you take that align with your new identity.

This is crucial because seeing progress reinforces the belief: "I am becoming this person."

I save everything I create on my MacBook Pro. Everything. I delete something only if it no longer serves a purpose. So, I have everything I've created since about 2011, when I graduated from high school.

That's songs, short stories, novels, apps, websites, and my knowledge base.

I track evidence by saving all the things I create. I can go back to something I wrote a year ago, to almost 14 years ago.

Proof of the progress I've made and things I've done to achieve my ever-evolving vision of who I want to be.

You can do something similar.

Step Seven: Surround Yourself with Reinforcements

Join communities where your desired identity is the norm.

Be around people who already live the way you want to live.

This could be in person or online.

The point here is to surround yourself with like-minded people, which will reinforce the person you are becoming. You might even consider joining local classes or cohorts.

Whatever it takes to be around people who share or who are already living the life you want for yourself.

I'm part of a few Facebook Groups, Discord Channels, and Sub-Reddits. Over the years, I learned how to socialize on social media the right way. How to build genuine friendships online.

Soon, I want to expand to real life. Meeting people out in the real world. Remember, this is a marathon, not a race. Do not conform all at once. Take your time, and enjoy the ride.

You'll learn so much, and you'll make new friends who will enhance your vision.

Step Eight: Revisit and Revise

Lastly, check in regularly. Is this still who you want to become?

Adjust as your goals and values evolve.

Nothing is written in stone, so don't feel like you can't pivot when you find out more information or your vision changes.

Transforming your identity isn't something that happens overnight, and it isn't something that only lasts a short time.

This may as well be a lifelong journey, depending on you and what you want out of life.

I shared how I once pivoted from posting on X (Twitter) to posting two newsletters a week. Long-form content. I chose the direction of my writing and the topics I wanted to dive into based on my desire of wanting to write more substantive content.

Regularly, you will want to reassess your vision and make intermittent changes. To stay on course.

Quick Recap: Transforming Your Identity

Step One: Start with a Vision of Who You Want to Be

Step Two: Stack Identity-Based Habits

Step Three: Reframe Your Self-Talk

Step Four: Redesign Your Environment

Step Five: Let Go of Old Labels

Step Six: Track the Evidence

Step Seven: Surround Yourself with Reinforcements

Step Eight: Revisit and Revise

Who are you becoming--and what would that version of you do today?

The Potential Paradox